My Hinge is affecting my confidence
Dear SJ,
For the most part, I consider myself an attractive person, I’m not Kylie Jenner or anything, but I think I’m pretty enough.
Once a week, I’ll go check my Hinge matches and when I do, it makes me sad. When I see the guys who are liking my photos, I think; what do I look like that these guys think we would ever match or be compatible. They’re all really unattractive and it makes me question my own reflection. If all these unattractive men are liking me, am I actually unattractive? I’m starting to second guess myself and think I should just delete the app.
I really want to meet someone, but now I just don’t feel like I’m good enough anymore if this is all I’m getting. What should I do?
L
Dear L,
I’m sorry you’re having such a rough time on Hinge and that it’s having an impact on your confidence. However I would say it need not. I suspect you’re taking this all a bit too personally. You seem to expect men will have the same motivations, ideas and self awareness as you do. Have you ever met a man? This is not how they tend to function.
Men approaching dating apps very differently to women. While you’re there considering every aspect of someone’s profile, pouring over the details and generally being much more discerning, men are not doing that. While you swipe left on someone for their political affiliations or drug use, men will overlook most things for a pretty face. In short they don’t have the same parameters when they swipe, if you catch their eye, they’ll send a like. He might get 100 nos but it only takes one yes and that’s good enough.
It’s also worth remembering that society and patriarchy have set men up to believe they are the prize. While you see a balding 35 year old, whose beard doesn’t connect, he probably sees himself a great catch and maybe he really is, you don’t actually know him after all. So why wouldn’t he swipe on a gorgeous woman?
One of the problems with dating apps, is they give the illusion that we can design our partners. He must be this tall, make this much money, be this attractive. When we see someone who does meet some of those parameters, we just as quickly dismiss them for wearing a weird hat or shoes. Even though none of that actually matters (unless he’s in a short sleeve shirt, that’s an acceptable ick), what matters is what type of person he is and apps remove that initial interaction you’d get in real life. I’m not saying lower your standards. What I’m saying is, your perfect man might not be the man you think you want. Ticking boxes is just that, a box. It doesn’t donate how much of a connection you will really have.
You say you’re looking to meet someone, yet you only check your matches once a week. Whether you’re doing other things in real life to meet someone organically, you didn’t say, so perhaps you’re making more of a concerted effort.
When I was dating, I almost treated it like a full time job. I wasn’t on it every day, but I would be on it most days. I actively sent likes and commented on posts, which is how I met my current boyfriend. I rarely, if ever matched, with any of the men who sent me a like. Not because they were all unattractive (though like you, I did have my fair share) but because I preferred to select, then be selected.
My advice is twofold; if after what you’ve read you’re still not feeling confident in yourself, perhaps it is time to give the app a rest. I appreciate meeting people organically after university is difficult, especially with the loss of our communal spaces, so maybe you feel it is your only choice. In reality the apps have made us more reliant on them, than the other alternatives because they provide an instant catalogue of singles. However you can meet available people almost anywhere at any time if you’re proactive about it; bars, restaurants, sporting events, weddings, friends of friends, I once asked a guy I was sat next to on a plane out (we’ll gloss over the fact he said no) but to name a few.
If you do take on board what I said and keep the app, I would encourage you to be the chooser. You choose the men you feel attracted to, rather than wait for them to come to you. It’s not chasing, it’s choosing!
Good luck
SJ