My penny pinching partner allows me to pay for practically everything, is it a dealbreaker?
Dear SJ,
I've been with my boyfriend for six months and he is perfect apart from one thing, he’s obsessed with counting the pennies. We never seem go out or do anything because of money. So we usually end up staying in, but I still foot the bill on the food, petrol etc. I feel as if I’m paying for all our nights in.
He usually pays for food when we go out, but that was only twice. I don't want to sound materialistic but he's never given me flowers or gifts. I just don't feel special at this point and I worry it’s gone on too long to say anything? Is this a dealbreaker?
A
Dear A,
I’ve always subscribed to the mantra; frugality is sexy, stinginess is not. There’s a different between making savings, especially in this economy, and flat out refusing to spend any money when it’s your round.
You say he’s perfect apart from this, but in saying that you’ve undermined your original statement. He in fact is not perfect, in fact you go on say he doesn’t make you feel special. Making someone feel special doesn’t cost money, it costs time, effort and thought. For example, I received a handmade Valentine’s Day card, which was much more precious than anything else I’d ever received, because it was thoughtful.
It isn’t materialistic to want flowers or gifts from someone you’re dating, especially if you’re putting more time, money and effort in than he is and seemingly getting less out of it. All men know that girls like flowers, girls like little gifts and snacks. I’m yours for the extortionate price of Kinder Bueno. It’s wilful ignorance to say otherwise! However it is also much easier for woman to express compassion and thoughtfulness than is it for men, in part due to societal conditioning. Women are better at recognising emotions, how many times have you said ‘fine’ in an argument, only for your boyfriend to believe it’s actually fine! While you simmer with unbridled rage.
Sometimes, men need a bit of guidance. Should we have to do it? No. It’s seemingly unjust that we are better prepared to input our love and affection to help grow a relationship. I have no panacea for this, it’s rarely the fault of the individual, but rather the patriarchy, which have taught men that they can’t express their emotions for fear of seeming weak. Along with expressing emotions, goes a lot of the small things, like flowers and snacks.
Crucially, I never expect the men in my life, and that includes family, to be psychic. I always express my feelings and needs and it’s up to them to meet it. Therefore it’s never too late to express your needs, as my slightly ‘tism-esque boyfriend says;
‘your needs are your needs and they have to be met’.
There is a reasonable expectation that when you enter in a relationship, your partner meets your needs. If they call you high maintenance or attempt to undermine them, then you’ll have to come to terms with the fact you may never have your needs met in that relationship. You deserve to have your feelings understood and your needs met. It is fundamental to a healthy relationship.
Communication is key , in every relationship; love, work, friendship, family. How you choose to tell someone something is half of the battle. Telling your boyfriend what you told me, is a good start. The important thing is not to be accusatory aka “you don’t spend any money on me so I don’t feel special”. When anyone accuses you of anything, your natural response is to be defensive, whether you’re guilt or not. Instead phrase it as a joint problem that needs to be solved. For example;
I have a great time with you, but I notice we haven’t gone out much, I know money is an issue but perhaps we can think of things to do together that are cheaper or even free, like a moonlight stroll or a picnic. I would also love it if you could buy me some flowers on occasion or little things that remind you of me, it would make me feel special.
If he doesn’t agree, invalidates you, or worse, deflects and turns the situation back on to you, then perhaps it’s time to consider how much you want to be in this relationship. Do you want to be with someone who not only, won’t meet your basic needs, but makes you feel bad for having them.
It’s not for me to advise whether it’s a dealbreaker for you, only you can do that. It’s for you to decide how tolerably unhappy you may be in a relationship, where your basic needs aren’t meant and at what cost it will be to your; finances, mental health and overall happiness.
Good luck
SJ
If you want to write in to Ask SJ, email askSJ66@gmail.com. All questions are anonymised and all advice is free!