SJ’s Guide to navigating dating apps. Part Two
Part Two - Red and green flags to look out for on dating profiles. Your guide to getting a good match
Congratulations, you completed step one! You made your dating profile and now you’re ready to get swiping, or if you’re on Hinge perhaps you’ll let them come to you first. Either way, you’re ready to match.
By the time I met my boyfriend, I had got my matching down to a fine art and rarely had a bad date. Whereas before, most dates were at best mediocre if not down right terrible. It took a lot of trial and error, fine tuning and an embarrassing amount of lessons learned. Rather than have you endure it yourself, I thought I would impart my wisdom from my many years of swipe swiping.
I hasten to once again caveat; this is my personal experience, it is meant to be a bit of tongue in cheek, there are exceptions to every rule and there is not a once size fits all approach. However I hope this will still be helpful, if not give you pause before you send that like.
Red flags to look for in profiles
Specifically mirror selfie shirtless pics. This is probably a controversial start given what I said about bikini pics. However I never had a good date with a man who felt the need to lead with his abs. It all felt very centred around the male gaze and women weren’t the target audience. I also found they mostly only discussed the gym and meal prepping and their diets and staying fit. It just wasn’t good first date chatter.
Men who say "she's my niece", we get it you like 'babies' but we’re not falling for it. They’ve clearly commandeered some poor familial child to make them seem more family friendly and therefore get more broody women flocking to their profiles. If they were so family they wouldn't need to put it on display with the caveat, that it’s their niece/nephew/godchild.
Men who have the following answers to prompts;
1) I'm competitive at - Everything. Not only incredibly boring, but I just knew I would end up arguing with them over ridiculous things, because of an insecure need to be right and dominant in that right over me. Being competitive at everything, is not a good thing to brag about.
2) Change my mind about - Pineapple on pizza. Oh so original, are we still having this non debate. It’s the lack of effort and thought.
3) Best way to ask me out - by asking me out. While I am a firm believer in asking a man out for a drink if I am so inclined, there’s something about this response that feels unchivalrous. It feels like they expected me to do all the work and all the chasing. I’m looking for a partner, not a manchild.
Men who harp on about how they love to travel as if it’s so niche and they’re discovered it. I loath it, most of us have been on a plane, this isn't 1920 when it wasn’t accessible. Most of us would enjoy travelling if finances allowed. It doesn’t make them as unique as they think. Especially when they’re posed next to a sedated tiger in Thailand. My response to this was ‘have you tried travelling to therapy’.
Anyone who looks different in every photo, they're probably the least attractive one.
No one whose first photo is a group one, I don't want to have to work out who you are. They’re also probably the least attractive one.
No one who has photos with an emoji plastered over what is presumably their ex’s face. They’re either not over them or those photos are old!
No who hasn't filled out the entire photo stack, we all have cameras on our phones now ,so there’s not excuse. No effort in the profile, no effort in the relationship.
No Italians/Greeks/French guys who have clearly just moved to the UK to study or bar tend. They are usually breathtakingly beautiful and usually unbelievably misogynistic. Will wine and dine you, but they are usually mostly looking to only hook up. See caveat above about exceptions to the rule.
Anyone who makes overly sexual remarks in their profile or when you initiate the conversation, unmatch immediately. Even if you do want to hook up, it’s so disrespectful to start making sexual comments from the off.
No one who is angry for example; LOOKING FOR GIRLS WHO AREN'T BASIC, GIRS WHO REPLY, anyone has the 'Female' anywhere, this is code for 'bitch’. It’s giving entitled incel/red pill rhetoric.
Men who say they are 5'11", like the limit, this height does not exist. You are either 6ft or 5'10" don't be coming at me with 5'11". Lies. See above above about tongue in cheek.
Men with the following professions -
The military, I need not elaborate further. (Caveat, exceptions to the rule)
Entrepreneurs, reads daddy's money/con artist/ or French for unemployed.
PTs, Fuck boys with eating disorders and usually boring.
Anything with agent at the end of their job; recruitment, estate, secret. Men who wear shiny suits and attend dingy sex clubs to be ‘edgy’ and are capable and fast liars.
Finance bros, always brimming with testosterone, usually wearing an odious watch they’ll make you look at all night.
All of the above are likely to be smarmy and seeing a multitude of other women. At best you’ll be played, at worst they’ll ruin your mental health.
Anyone who mentions crypto or NFTS. I am convinced they are multi level marketing schemes for men. They will also be incredibly obsessed with it and yet incredibly boring at the same time. Will ask you to go 50:50 on the date, after having bragged about how much money they have.
Men who declare they’re feminists. It’s a trap. Men who are feminists simply are feminists, they don’t proclaim it, they are it. If you have to shout about it, I would guess they are probably covertly misogynists.
Men in Schoffels or men with shotguns. Posh mad men, usually emotionally repressed and really only looking to seriously date within their circle. They will probably have a girl best friend named after a Winnie The Pooh character that they’re secretly in love with. Also they say ‘ya’ unironically. I dated one who called me ‘mummy’ once, need I go on…
Men with bathroom mirror selfies. They really thought the best place to take a photo was next to the toilet was it? It’s giving, took a shit, felt cute, might delete later.
Anyone who says they don't like 'vanilla'. We get it, you're kinky, we do not kink shame, but perhaps you don't need to announce your sexual deviancy to a bunch of strangers you’ve never met, on an app.
Green flags to look for in profiles
Men who have photos of them smiling. It may sound basic, but a smile is oh so attractive and so many profiles are men just showing off, rather than show casing who they are.
Men who have photos of them showing their hobbies and their interests (outside of just travelling). It’s a good way to connect and makes it easier to start initial conversations.
Men who have carefully thought about their prompts/bio/profiles. If it’s funny, doesn't contain a generic answer and isn't entitled/angry, that’s green flag!
Men with pets, but who don't make it the centre of their profile. It shows they are capable of caring for something and are unlikely to have those navy blue bed sheets and pancake pillows.
Men who have photos with their family. Obviously this isn’t always possible due to circumstances, but men who are overtly family orientated usually make good dates.
All in all, a rather damning indictment on men’s profiles or perhaps my London dating experience, that there are significantly more red flags than green. However if you knowing what to avoid, that’s a good 50% of the dating app battle won.
Add in the comments any green or red flags I’ve missed.
In part 3, I will discuss conversation starters, red flags and first date tips. If that sounds like something you might like ….