SJ’s guide to navigating dating apps. Part Three
Part 3 - Initiating conversations, how to talk to men on dating apps and when to unmatch.
Now you’ve set up your profile, you’ve started swiping avoiding all the red flag profiles and you finally get that first match. It’s a zesty little zing isn’t it, when two strangers both agree the other is attractive enough to send a like. But now they’re sitting silently in your inbox, or if you’re on bumble, you have to initiate the conversation. Side note, does anyone like that pseudo feminist “USP”? Let me know in the comments.
It can be awkward, striking up a conversation with a literal virtual stranger, but I actually came to love it. Here are my tips.
Initiating conversations
Don't just start with 'hey' or 'hi' and leave it up to them to scramble for something to say. If they did that to you, it would be incredibly dry. My advice is find something on their profile and ask about it. Men love to talk about themselves. It could be 'where did you take x photo' or comment on one of their prompts.If you've avoided the red flags they will have a good enough profile you can find something you can say. Whenever I sent a like, I always added a comment, so it gave them a starting point to start the conversation once they matched. If they didn’t, I tended to unmatch.
Do ask what they are looking for and what you want, at some point before you meet them. Men lie of course and say they’re looking for something serious when they’re not. Usually because they don’t think women will sleep with them, unless they lie. However it is better to make your intentions clear upfront. Although ironically when I told men, I simply wanted to hook up, they either didn’t believe me or thought I was a catfish. On one occasion someone implied they were worried I was trans or god forbid fat, simply because I wanted something casual.
Do ask questions and be engaging, it's best your personality shines through. You want to be your authentic self to see if they are compatible with you. If they don’t find you funny, or intelligent or endearing or whatever form of fabulous you are, from the off, it’s unlikely you’re going to gel in real life. I predict an evening of stilted conversation and a waste of foundation.
If you match with someone and send a witty of charming response and you don’t hear back from them within a week, unmatch. They’re either in the midst of dating someone else and putting you on the back burner or not very invested in dating.
Conversation Red Flags 🚩
Anyone who asks for nudes, immediately unmatch. Even if you are looking to hook up. You’re not a free Only Fans. Nudes, if you want to share, are earned, not demanded upfront.
Anyone who hints at anything sexual, unsolicited when the conversation isn’t going that way naturally. If it makes you uncomfortable - immediately unmatch
Anyone with dry chat, it won't get better; how are you? What you up to? What you up to? What you doing? My god talk about the weather or something at least.
Anyone who wants to jump to whatsapp, without having a proper conversation first. Don’t give your number to an immediate stranger. Also I’ve found when I’ve done this, they unmatch me. It’s always a bit fishy and I end up blocking them because they end being creeps. The app’s chat provides a safe barrier to getting to know someone, I found it unnerving when men didn’t want to abide by it.
Photo by Alexander Shatov on Unsplash Anyone who is demanding a few messages in, for example trying to get you to send selfies or go for a drink with them within in 5 minutes of matching. I find men like this lack an understanding of the dangers women face from men. They are usually put off or annoyed by our reluctance to be “spontaneous” and simply meet someone we’ve exchanged three words with, for a drink. When in actual fact, it puts us in a precarious and vulnerable position. I’ve also found it a bit manipulative, when they make out that they only have this time for you, it’s now or never. It makes you buy into the scarcity mindset that is commonly pushed onto woman. Do your future self a favour and make it never.
Anyone who asks you lots of questions upfront aka do you like the beach/city, do you like books or tv? Tell me your goals, tell me your secrets. These men are likely to be narcissists and are looking for shortcuts to getting to know you, so they can mirror you and make out to be your dream guy for a month, before the emotional abuse begins. Getting to know someone takes time and effort, do not give someone a short cut to yourself.
Anyone who says they've just come out a long term, serious relationship and are claiming they are ready for a new one. Especially if it’s not been longer than 6 months to a year. Men do not process grief in the same way women do. Usually men see break ups as rather freeing, but within 6 months they will start processing the grief (even if it ended on bad terms) and will likely ghost or behave keen then drop you leaving you confused. This is because they themselves are confused. Save yourself the hassle and unmatch
Anyone who says they aren't looking for anything serious, if you are. you will not change their mind, believe them and unmatch unless you do want something casual.
Men who takes longer than two days to ask for your number or ask you on date (note the date can be scheduled in the future, but you should secure one within two days of chatting if you’re getting on well). Otherwise you are just going to end up pen pals, you don't want Hinge notifications pinging up from some guy you spoke to 2 weeks ago, asking how you are, only for him to disappear off again.
Hopefully the above will help you secure a great first date. Dating apps become easier with time and practise. Part of the reason for writing this series was to enable you to learn from what I did wrong, so you can jump a bit of the learning curve. I hope it was helpful.
This is the last instalment in this series, but don’t worry. The next series will focus on first dates; what to look out for before the date and on the date, what to do after the date, the best types of date and the age old question of what to do about ghosting after first date.
If that sounds like something you’re interested in, consider…..