Is he my boyfriend or am I in a situationship?
The age old question of the 2020s
Dear SJ,
I've been dating this guy for a bit, and one of my friends said something to me that got me thinking, and now I’m a bit worried. She said, “What makes you his girlfriend, not just a friend with benefits? Are you sure you’re not in a situationship?"
He hasn't let me meet his family, and I can't really meet his friends because he has a friend group that has his ex in it.
We go on dates, he comes over to my house, he has met my family and friends, and we call every night. I feel like I brought him into my life, and it feels like he hasn't let me into his. I have addressed this, but nothing really happened.
What do I do?
Thank you
M
Dear M,
Thank you for your letter. I read it knowing all to well; the confusion, frustration, and concern you currently feel. I have been there myself,1 I think we all have at some point. Situationships tend to strike when we’re new to dating, whether that's as a result of dating too quickly after a breakup or simply just being new to dating. Being a novice in this area means we are unfamiliar with the dating rules and/or too anxious about setting boundaries, so we end up in a situation where there’s no clarity about ‘what are we?’
Your friend makes a good point about what makes you his girlfriend rather than friends with benefits (FWB). There is a big difference between the two. One is about commitment, and the other is about avoiding it at all costs while still getting all the benefits such as exclusivity, access, affection, and so on.
You didn’t specify in your letter how long you’ve been together. However, what you did choose to say is actually very telling. You said, “I’ve brought him into my life, but he hasn’t brought me into his.” This must be very hurtful and you are right to feel hurt because it all seems very one-sided, with you making all the effort. For example, you said he comes to your house, so I infer that you don’t go to his, which is also be cause for concern. Not only because you’re always doing the work of hosting, but because why does he not want to bring you into his home? It certainly raises suspicions.
As does not meeting his friends because of his ex. Does that mean his girlfriends will never meet his friends? Will his friends not be at his wedding? Why, if they are all 'friends', is he so concerned about his ex’s feelings over yours? It feels like what it is—an excuse to keep you at arm's length.
You also didn’t specify why you can’t meet his parents, I suspect he may have a plausible excuse. However, you should really question why he does not want to introduce you to his family and friends. You know something is wrong; otherwise, you wouldn’t have asked for clarity from him or written to me.
In answer to your question, is he your boyfriend? In my experience, you know if they’re your boyfriend because it’s usually obvious. You don’t have to ask this question in the first place, and if you do, something happens instead of nothing.
I will caveat that I do not know the details if your relationship with this man; I can only use what’s in your letter to make a judgement. I cannot tell you definitively one way or the other, it’s for you to trust your gut and go with that. It’s never let me down. What I can do, however, is give you three tips on how to avoid this again in the future.
State your intention early on; say you’re looking to date and are not interested in something casual. It won’t weed them all out, but it will help.
Try not to date for more than 3 months without having a conversation about exclusivity. Any longer, and you risk falling into limbo and developing more feelings for something that isn’t growing. Shorter than 3 months doesn’t always give the measure or the man2 3 months is usually the sweet spot. Yes, the conversation is terrifying, but it has to be had to protect future you. You
Do things in tandem. Don’t invite him to meet your friends if he is not inviting you to meet his or if it’s not on the cards for the future. Same with family. Don’t host if he is unable to, unless he lives in a prison, in which case that’s a whole different discussion.
Finally, remember, exclusivity is earned and requested, not freely given. This is why you’re in the position you’re in; it’s why I and so many others have been in the same limbo space. You We were too quick to be exclusive, too quick to make a relationship out of scraps. Until you know where you stand, date around. It’s healthy, it allows comparison, and you don’t end up putting all your eggs in a rickety basket! You are still single until the ‘what are we’ is we are boyfriend/girlfriend.
I hope this helps.
SJ
And it will haunt me for life! Not because I was in a situationship, no, no, but because of how I chose to clarify what we were. 5 months into dating, we were in bed one Sunday morning, naked, NAKED (this is important)! When I finally, after months, plucked up the courage to say, ‘Are you my boyfriend?’ Only for him to turn around incredibly slowly, making the tension much worse, and say, ‘No, no, I don’t think I am your boyfriend, no." I then dove under the covers with shame, which was made all the worse as he chose that moment to let out a hangover fart. It was like Sophie’s choice: hide in shame while my nose hairs shrivelled from the acrid stench, or face my humiliating rejection….NAKED. I think you know what I chose.
I was once mercilessly pursued by a man for 3 months; we had loads of dates, and he met my friends. 3 months to the day we met, he semi ghosted me. When I called him out, he told me he didn’t want a girlfriend, and he wasn’t sure what gave me that impression.
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