My friend is a Sugar Baby, is she low value?
Should we define our value by what we do?
Dear SJ,
I have a dear friend who meets men via sugar daddy and travel websites. Basically she sleeps with men in exchange for money or free holidays. She's convinced this is normal, she even gives relationship advice to other young women in our friends group.
But I can't help but worry about her. I believe she's losing sight of her true self. She says she is also hoping to find her genuine connection, but i do not know any men who will take her seriously or marry her knowing she is exchanging her body for money.
I'm struggling because I want to be a supportive friend, but I also feel like I need to voice my concerns. I don't know if I am overreacting or if this is truly something I should talk to her about and how to go about it.
I respect that, maybe might be a bit old school in my views. My concern is not just about society norms, but also about the future happiness of my friend. Maybe before telling other women selling their body for money is ok, we should ask if you would be ok for your son to marry such a woman? I wouldn't prefer my son to do that. I would like my son to mary a high value woman.
We complain about men a lot when it comes to irresponsive behaviour, but as long as it is women doing it we applaud it somehow. My friend is dear to me, and my only wish is to see her in a happy and respectful relationship. I'll have a conversation with her and my hope is that she finds the love and respect she deserves.
Dear Anonymous,
Firstly, I understand you have concerns, from your perspective it seems like she may be destroying her future. In particular her marriage prospects? I hope I’ve understood that correctly.
Now I must be clear, sex work, while the oldest profession in the world, has recently become quite glamorised. The rise of OnlyFans and other websites offer women a chance to make their own money, performing for those willing to pay the fee. I agree with you, in the sentiment that we should not glamourise this industry. It has a toll on women’s mental health and physical health. However, that was not the primary or perhaps even secondary concern for your friend.
You seem more worried that her ‘value’ as woman drops, as a result of her profession, and that she won’t be able to get a man. You even projected a fictional senario about what it would be like if your son married a “sugar baby”.
I noticed you used the phrase ‘high value woman’. This language is synonymous with Red Pill men, who are deeply misogynistic and base women’s values off their bodies and chastity1. Which is what you are also doing to your friend. I query why that’s all you think women are worth.
As long as your friend is safe, physically and mentally, then it is not fair and actually unkind to impose your “old school” values onto her. And I will tell you why.
Firstly there is an obvious cost to her, envious, lifestyle. However she has clearly weighed up and decided she’d rather cry in the Bahamas than the McDonald’s car park. That is her choice.
Secondly and more importantly, for centuries women have been subjugated to men. Our whole society from our working pattern to our medicines to the chairs we sit on, are all catered to men and their needs. We weren’t allowed to vote, have credit cards, own houses. Our value was only based on the free labour we would provide and our bodies, we weren’t allowed to do anything else! Let that sink in. We were prohibited from being a self sufficient member of society, solely so men could exploit us.
These old fashioned values come from a time when women were practically imprisoned in marriages. Their labour was completely unrecognised, profited off and dismissed. Men were able to have high flying careers because the women stayed at home.
Women ran the household, cooked the meals, cleaned the house, raised the children, all for free! She wasn’t paid for her labour, there was no pension, no promotion, no bank account. Her entire security was based on her ‘value’ in these roles and if the husband wanted out or a new model, then what? She’d be discarded likely along with the children. Then what of her “value” then? Having done it all right. How would you feel if your son was marrying a divorcee, with children? Would you approve, would you think she has less value now? What if your son visited a sex worker, does he have less value now? Do you see why this way of thinking is so detrimental? This is why feminism must be intersectional.
I want to make something very clear, if you choose to be a stay at home mother, that is absolutely fine and your choice. Just like your friend chooses to exploit men for profit - a taste of their own medicine perhaps? Point is our choices, are to be respected, not condemned.
Now society is changing, the rise in the 4b movement2 has already had an impact in South Korea. Women are recognising their worth and their value and no longer choosing to have it exploited by men or even society at large.
Your friend has chosen a path to dig gold, if that is all the man has to offer her, then dig she must. It does not decrease her “value”. We must stop this sentiment that somehow pieces of us; our background, life, bodycount, education, employment, looks, total up to give some women more “value” over others. While men, overweight and balding, perceive they have value just because they’re a man.
It’s this sentiment, that has held us back, divided us, pitted us against each other over men. While they sit back and assess us based on criteria that only benefit them. It’s dangerous way of thinking. We can do better for each other, we are sisters, our relationships stand the test of time; in sickness, heartbreak, grief! It is your girl-friend you call first when you’re heartbroken. It is she who comes in your out of need, while is proven that men are the ones who abandon.3
So in answer to your question, I think you should just be a good friend. Watch out for her, help her to understand the risks involved (if you haven’t already) and leave her be. It is not your place to worry about her future husband and project your values on to her.
Perhaps we should no longer be tolerant of men who are customers of the same service they denounce. After all it wouldn’t exist without their support. And we certainly don’t seem to condemn them when they participate. We always attack the women, call her ‘low value’ and far more abhorrent phrases I don’t care to type - but is she merely supplying the demand?4 After all they put themselves on the sugar daddy websites.
I would like you to think on this; mostly we only have each other in the end and as a friend, that’s where you should be. It is together, whether sex worker or nun, that we thrive and build a safer community in this world.
Everything else will work itself out after that.
Which has always come across to me as a measure of man’s insecurities. A virgin is less likely to poopoo your prowess!
https://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/south-korea-4b-movement-women-celibate-sex-b2527832.html
https://www.reuters.com/article/idUSTRE5AB0C5/
There is much that can be said for women who are sex trafficked. This post is not about them, it is only about women who are voluntarily in the industry.