One Date Wonders
Why do they disappear?
We’ve all been there, we’ve all had that amazing first date. The kind where you start thinking about what your future life together would look like. You were so sure there’d be another date; you were already picking out outfits for it on the way home. But then, not only is there no second date, you never hear from them again.1
I call them One Date Wonders (ODW). There’s a difference between a date that was average, where you think it wasn’t great, but I’d give them another chance. When you don’t hear from them again, you’re neither disappointed nor elated. ODW’s go so well that when there isn’t a second date, you almost go through a mini-breakup, and sometimes it can take a suspiciously long time to get over. It once took me an embarrassing nine months to get over an ODW. Often, getting over it is made even harder by flippant friends who can’t understand why you’re so cut up about a guy you met once.
The thing with ODWs is that there isn't just a great connection, but an instant one. You probably really hit it off on text or voicenote before you even met, so you already knew you liked them before you met. Then it just got even better in person; it was a great first date. You laughed and teased each other. Maybe you slept together, or maybe you didn't; either way, you had a fantastic time. You felt like you met someone you’ve been looking for; they checked the right boxes. So when it falls apart, like a Liz Truss spending review, it can be extra painful.
Especially when the ODW has suggested a second date, usually on the date itself or the follow text. This makes it extra confusing because why would they do that if they weren’t interested? This makes it much harder to get over than a simple "thank you, but I’m not feeling it."
In my experience, one of two things happens following an ODW:
Straight -up ghosted. You never get a receipt2, or they have them turned off. You sit in denial for a while; maybe they’re busy? Maybe they didn’t get it? Eventually, you come to terms that he’s not going to reply.
The slow ghost. Even worse than ghosting, in my opinion, as they keep chatting, but only intermittently. They suddenly get a lot busier with work, even though that never made a difference before, and you can see them on WhatsApp all the time. They’re just not replying to you. You keep asking for the second date and wait 12 hours for a noncommittal answer. Eventually, your repeated loss of dignity, asking an unanswered question, means you just give up.
It took a while to really figure out why this was happening to me. I couldn’t understand why they’d ask for a second date and not really want one. I couldn’t understand why, when we had such a good time, they weren’t interested. In an effort to get to the bottom of it, you start self-examining how it went, picking at your flaws: did my breath smell, did I have sweat stains, am I a bad kisser, oh shit, it was that spot (that minuscule one that no one’s noticed), was I too slutty, not slutty enough, too clever, too stupid? This self-examination is really just a form of control, in a situation where you have none. You believe that if you identify what You did wrong, you can fix it for next time.
The thing is, unless you behaved somewhat appallingly, in all likelihood, it has nothing to do with you. There is nothing to fix; there is nothing you can fix. Remember when I said nothing is personal in dating? It really isn’t. When you get an ODW, they’re usually emotionally unavailable—probably pinning for a recent ex. You’ll likely have been an ODW yourself. Have you ever been a date after a breakup and had a pretty good time, but all you did was compare them to your ex. Your date could have been absolutely perfect, but unless it was your actual ex, you just weren’t interested.3
And sometimes, just sometimes, they might not be as attracted to you as you are to them. You’ve probably also experienced this in reverse too. You'll have been on a date, and they’re not as good-looking as you’d hoped. You still have a fun time, but it’s not what you’re looking for; it’s just not right, and that’s ok. When they ask for a second date on the spot, it feels awkward to say no in person, and thus you end up being an ODW. This doesn’t excuse any ghosting or bread-crumbing you’ve been the recipient of. That behaviour is cowardly, and as someone who has engaged in it myself, I can say it was because I was a coward.
Regardless of what happened with the ODW, you know want to date someone who wants to date you. Someone who says ‘until next time’ when they kiss you and walk away, and then there really is a next time.
The ODW’s rejection is not personal; it feels that way because it’s a perceived rejection of your self, but it’s not. This person doesn’t really know you, as you don’t really know them. They’re just rejecting a snap shot of what they saw on one date, and 9/10 they weren’t in a position to and shouldn’t have been dating in the first place.
It’s up to you how you choose to manage an ODW. I’ve allowed myself to be ghosted and then seen half of them again during Cuffing Season. Sometimes I’ve sent a nice message back, and sometimes I’ve sent an angry message and just blocked them out of anger and hurt. A dignified message is probably the right thing to do, but it’s hard when you’re feeling disappointed and somewhat cheated. Those feelings are valid it’s tempting to dismiss them because it was one date, but denying your pain, only prolongs it (nine months, nine!)
Hopefully, knowing that they’re not emotionally available or that it's not personal makes it a little easier to overcome those feelings. There’s a quote by the writer Laurell K. Hamilton that i often found useful;
If I'd been easily discouraged, I could have been a one-hit wonder.
Don’t let an ODW, discourage you from trying again, after all we’ve all been someone’s ODW.
If you enjoyed this week’s SJ’s Dating Advice, why not subscribe (it’s free) or share with a friend who’s currently trying to get over their own ODW.
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Caveat! ODW do sometimes make a reappearance. Usually during cuffing season or after a failed attempt to rekindle things with their ex. Either/or situation usually has them scurrying back, like cockroach seeking refuge from the light. Well not in this sewer!
Of if you do, it’s four months later on a random Tuesday, and then a ‘hey you’ text, will suddenly come your way.
Coming soon, on SJ’s advice; why do we feel we feel like we have to move on so quickly.