You had a first date, what now?
What to do if; you’re being ignored, ghosted, love bombed or you don’t like them?
First dates are a bit like the first pancake, sometimes it’s the best one, sometimes you have to throw it in the bin and sometimes you don’t know whether it’ll be ok until you try it. Whether you want to see this person again or not, I’ve provided some helpful post date tips and flags to avoid. I’m all about helping you avoid those flags.
Post date tips
In the early days of dating, it’s really easy to get caught up in someone, even someone you didn’t really like that much at first, after a great date. The most crucial thing I can impart here is; unless you behaved terribly/wildest inappropriately, nothing in the early days is personal. Although it may feel that way, because you allowed someone to get to know you in an intimate setting, it can feel like rejection of the self, it’s probably nothing to do with you as a person. Once I learned and understood that, my dating life changed drastically for the better.
What to do if the date went really well but they become flakey
If that first date went really great, you had loads of chemistry, you laughed all night a cheeky kiss, they asked to see you again, and then a few days later you find they aren’t putting in the effort. They’re vague with dates, they're not replying as much as they were, huge gaps between messages start to build with sorry ‘I feel asleep’ excuses on Tuesday lunch time. Human nature may take over here, even if you weren’t that into him in hindsight, suddenly you really are! You’re now frantically trying to prove your worth, instead of finding it a turn off that he’s flakey and misleading, it’s a turn on. I will go into this in more detail in a separate post, at a later time.
It can be tempting to start reaching out, to engage in some petty toxic behaviour to get his attention, stalk his socials - to get answer, to find out why he disappeared. Didn’t the first date go well? Am I not good enough? Not pretty enough? It’s really easy to internalise all these bruised feelings because the risk of rejection becomes easier to manage. You can fix what he didn’t like and then maybe he’ll ask you out again.
Reading this, you know it’s ridiculous, but how come you just can’t quite block him or send a ‘this isn’t enough for me, thanks bye’ message. Is it because you harbour hope you can go out again, recreate the magic? But the magic died, the day he wasn’t dishonest with his actions and treated you as a second or third choice.
This is why I said it is crucial to remember it’s not personal, his rejection of you was probably nothing to do with you. He may not be as available as he thought, he may only be looking for something casual and you weren’t giving that vibe. Maybe he’s not over his ex. Maybe he fears getting hurt again. Whatever it is, it doesn’t matter, it’s not your job to manage his emotions or change yourself to suit his needs after one date.
Do not seek clarification, simply confine them to the graveyard of lost men and move on. You want to be with someone who is very clearly excited about seeing you again and makes that clear, not faux naps on a Tuesday lunch break.
👻 What to do if they ghost you👻
If you get ghosted, blocked, unmatch, seemingly out of nowhere. They probably have a girlfriend and are doing some damage control. Or they’re a coward and they don’t know how to end things properly. For the love of god, block them back. If you don’t, they will pop back up again, probably during cuffing season1, like some demented whack a mole. ‘Hey stranger’, never respond to the ‘hey stranger’ text, he’s calling you a stranger because he chose to be one in your life, he should remain just that, a stranger. Note; if he does get you at a particularly vulnerable moment and you relent, I bet a metaphorical tenner you have a terrible date or he ghosts again. No one’s great relationship begins with being ghosted.
What to do if you’re definitely not interested
If you are not interested, just let them know asap. For some reason, I used to have real trouble typing out a rejection message and sending it. I wasn’t sure if it was fear of backlash following my abusive relationship or just feeling mean about sending one. I don’t think anyone enjoys sending those messages. In the end I settled for;
Thank you for a lovely evening, you were great company! This isn’t personal but I don’t think we’re compatible. I wish you every success in the future.
Sometimes I’d get a bit of a silly message back, but that’s ok, I never have to see him again and he’s allowed to be disappointed.
What to do if you get a rejection message
Always act with dignity, the men I remember and regret most were the ones who behaved with decorum after I rejected them. It's tempting, while hurt, to be rude back, but unless someone has actually behaved poorly (in which case block immediately with no explanation) a thank you and wish you all the best, is the right way to go. It might sting a bit! I once had such a great first date, when he got back with his ex, I was genuinely upset for 9 months (you see now why I needed therapy). It is also ok for you to be disappointed, especially if you clicked with them.
what to do if someone gets really intense after the first date.
If post the date, you start hearing any of the following;
We should be exclusive
I just feel like I really know you
I've never met anyone like you
I feel so connected to you
I feel like we're soulmates
Lets do a mini break
I want to marry you
We'd make beautiful babies
Run! This is love bombing and this is the best it will ever be. It’s easy to be seduced by love bombing, especially if you have low self worth. Someone you barely know telling you how wonderful you are, it’s a heady mix of intoxicating and terrifying/overwhelming. There’s a reason it’s terrifying though, because this man does not know you. Yes you are amazing and gorgeous and all those beautiful words that drip like honey from this lips, but he doesn’t know that yet. This is all designed to lure you in, to build you up, lull you into a false sense of security and trap you and grind you down. It is the start of an, at best, emotionally abusive relationship, sadly speak from experience.
Always remember exclusivity is earned, do NOT given anyone exclusivity to someone a few dates in. You might feel like you want to, but in my experience, men have a habit of turning at the three/four month mark. They are either in love with you, or they’re starting to distance themselves from you. If you’ve given someone exclusivity and out all your eggs in one man’s basket, you effectively go through a mini and very confusing break up. Men are perfectly capable of masking their true selves, but it is not sustainable long term so best to wait a few months before you commit.
I have given a rather brief overview of some of the difficulties you may face post first date. Some topics require a more in-depth analysis with their own post (coming soon)
Cuffing season refers to a period of time where single people begin looking for short term partnerships to pass the colder months of the year. Cuffing season usually begins in October and lasts until just after Valentines Day